Funthusia

unkownid_cooldude:

Heya!

Sameer:

Hey

unkownid_cooldude:

Dude u own funthusia..?

Sameer:

Yeah! I kinda do..

unknownid_cooldude:

Cool blog man… you are realllyyy talented…

Sameer:

Danke Danke…

unknownid_cooldude:

What?

Sameer:

Well Danke means thanks in german…

unknownid_cooldude:

Oh… Lol… I thought something else…

Sameer:

Dude… if you like my blog… why don’t you subscribe to its feed..

unknownid_cooldude:

Hmm..No…

Sameer:

Why Why?? :-O

unknownid_cooldude:

See, I don’t subscribe to feeds… I come and check your blog everyday… So why do I need to subscribe to its feed…

Sameer:

Thanks dude… but I need readers…

unknownid_cooldude:

What!! I am not a reader… Yeh toh meri beizzati ho gayi…

Sameer:

Uff..

unknownid_cooldude:

I am fed up of this feed thing…

Sameer:

See… I know you’re a reader but I can’t show it off… ya know. I need readers to somewhat establish my credibility…

unknownid_cooldude:

But what is the GODDAMN use… of subscribing to a feed…

Sameer:

Psst..you get updated if there’s any new content on my blog…

unknownid_cooldude:

Okay… so why do you need to update me when I check your blog everyday…

Sameer:

To get Feed Readers…

unknownid_cooldude:

I dunno what it really means…

Sameer:

See… There are people who subscribe to your feed… using RSS… or through email… These are called Feed Readers…

unknownid_cooldude:

I know email… but what’s RSS…

Sameer:

That’s something which helps readers read your feed…

unknownid_cooldude:

Dude… I think you should stick to blogging… don’t do this…

Sameer:

Do what?

unknownid_cooldude:

This feed thing…

Sameer:

But it’s a part of blogging…

unknownid_cooldude:

What part…

Sameer:

Feed part…

unknownid_cooldude:

Lol… It’s not RSS…

Sameer:

It is RSS

unknownid_cooldude:

I meant… It’s not Really Simple Suckah…

This is a work of fiction… Totahlly..

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Shashi Kapoor:

Bhai! Mujhe iss paper pe aapka sign chahiye… woh kya hai ki ipl ke baad corporates invest kar rahe hai Indian gangster league mein… aur uske liye who tumhe sign karna chahte hai mere bhai…

Amitabh Bachchan:

Aur agar maine sign nahi kiya toh…

Shashi Kapoor:

Bhai Aap sign karte ho ki nahi…

Amitabh Bachchan:

Sign chahiye tumhe… haii… Jaao pehle uss aadmi ka sign lekar aao… jo roz subah mere ghar ke saamne rakhi hui doodh ki thaili phhad kar jaata hai… jaao pehle uska sign lekar aao… jo roz morning mein mere times of india (mumbai mirror free) ko uthakar Punjab Kesari rakh deta hai… Jaao pehle us aadmi ka sign lekar aao jisne yeh bhaddi joke likhi hai… mere bhai… phir tum jis paper se sign karne ke liye kahoge main sign kar doonga…

Shashi Kapoor:

Bhai… Yeh sab kaam toh maine hi kiya hai… Yeh rahi meri sign… Ab aapko sign karna hi padega…

Amitabh Bachchan:

Mujhe kyun… Abhishek ko bolo… Acting ke saath meri sign ki bhi acchhi copy karta hai…

Shashi Kapoor:

Bhai… aapko pata nahi abhishek ash ke saath ash kar raha hai… aur vivek aur salman ka jiya jalke ash ho gaya hai…

Amitabh Bachchan:

Haaiinn… Aur maine ab bhi sign nahi kiya toh…

Shashi Kapoor:

Toh bhai mujhe majbooran aapko aapki hi film jhoom barabar jhoom dikhaani padegi…

Amitabh Bachchan:

Oh My God!! Batao kahaan sign karna hai…

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Teacher:

Sameer! You need to cut your hair.

Sameer:

But it’s small Ma’am.

Teacher:

What Small? it should be Crew Cut…If by tomorrow you don’t cut your hair then I’ll cut it myself.

Sameer:

Sure Ma’am…You can cut it yourself. I never object to people cutting their hair.

Teacher:

Not my hair…I’ll cut your hair myself.

Sameer:

Why would you take such pains Ma’am.

Teacher:

Because your hair is big.

Sameer:

Ma’am I know many people get this urge…to quit their job and take up a new job…But ma’am I seriously think that you should stick to teaching. Afterall, being a barber doesn’t pay a lot.

Teacher (gets really angry):

How dare you call me a barber…  I am taking this stuff to the principal. He will set you right.

Sameer:

Ma’am India is a democracy right.

Teacher:

yes…But it is in the school rules that you need to cut your hair reguarly.

Sameer:

Not if it hurts your Religious sentiments…

Teacher:

But that’s only for Sikhs…I think. And you’re a hindu.

Sameer:

Well In India you can convert.

Teacher:

There must be some rites and rituals required to convert to Sikhism.

Sameer:

Well I am not converting to Sikhism…I am converting to another religion called Jhaatusim and there you have no need for rituals….Muhahahahaha…

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After the really unsuccesful first version…Here comes the second version.

Libra:

If you are underage then there is a huge possibility that your parents will get to know about your porn watching habits. Yes…Don’t think much. Go ahead and delete all your porn and don’t even dare backing it up.

Scorpio:

Dude, you rock big time…you are a scorpion and scorpions are intrinsically very very lucky. Whatever you do in your life will succeed. You are obviously the most sexy guy/girl in your class so you’ll get your mate of choice this week. FYI, I am a Scorpio.

Sagittarius:

I hate to break this news to you…but from this very moment you will not be able to download any porn on your computer. It’s a virus that has been transmitted from this blog to your comp which stops the download of any kind of porn. Moreover, you deserved this.

Capricorn:

Thank god you’ve read this. Because now you can’t tell that you weren’t warned. From this very moment if you eat outside food, you’re surely gonna lose all of your hair. And you will not get them back. Not even by hair weaving. Sacchhi.

Aquarius:

Aqua huh…you will not get the chance to brush your teeth for the whole week this week. Why? Because there will be no aqua aka water in your house. Moreover, the girl you have a secret crush on will come to kiss you…For obvious reasons she won’t come again ever after.

Pisces:

Hey congrats dude…You are bound to become a Preeti Jhangiani fan for life this week. My unmentionable ball is telling it to me. May god bless you dude. I can’t say anything else.

And the most important thing. To get rid of all these bad luck for your zodiac (except scorpio) you have to do one simple deed…and that is to subscribe to my feed.

That’s My Feed…Click on it.

And if you have always been bowled over by what is a feed question then you can use the email subscription widget at the right hand(for me) side of this blog.

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Lo…And Behold…

I am just about to predict your future by gazing into my eh…non-mentionable ball.

So Be ready to read the TRUTH…Muhahahahahahaha…

Aries:

Ah…What can I say? Your wife’s gonna run away with your driver…Yippeee…For ladies I hate to break this, but your husband only runs to reduce his weight. To do other stuff he saves his energy by just walking.

Taurus:

From this moment Rakhi Sawant and her really ossum and saxy song “Dekhta Hai Tuu Kya” from Krazzy 4 will feature in all of your dreams.  Also you’ll kick yourself for not watching Bigg Boss: Kadi Nazar Solid Assar..

Gemini:

You’ll realise that youe best friend or roommate has started following the homosexual alternate way of life. So be scared and be very scared…Unless and until you too see the world with a different eye…

Cancer:

D’oh…In this week you’ll try Shahnaz Hussain’s Fair One for Men to get fair…See Shahnaz Hussain herself to get an idea of what you’ll resemble after one week. Muhahahahahaha….

Leo:

You’ll be very lucky this week…You will be labeled a Dyslexic…and hey guess what…the Taare Zameen Par effect will make a lot of people sympathetic with you.

Virgo:

Dude…I pity your luck. Firstly, according to the Hindi name of your Zodiac you are a “Kanya” even though you belong to the masculine sex…Heehaw. And if that humiliation wasn’t enough you’ll barf in your class/office and the puke’s gonna decorate your teacher/boss.

PS: Rest of the Zodiac’s covered tomorrow…

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This is a guest post by my former classmate and friend Shivansh… This is the first guest post on my blog so I am feelin’ gooood now…

It was 3.27 in the morning, as I casually glanced at the clock and got out of bed to pee. I was glad I didn’t have to wake up to the alarm next morning. I was free of it all. No more school, no more Mum yelling at me for studying, no more tuitions. “Ah! This is life…” I thought to myself. I was glad and I could see the wide smile on my face in the mirror. But now I didn’t want to sleep. Yes, why would I sleep? I had always wanted to see the “adult” magazine I had stolen from Dad’s desk.

I dashed to my closet and drew from the lower most shelf, an old copy of some magazine. The name was ‘Man’s World’. It was safely hidden between two old shirts of mine, away from Mum’s reach. I did enjoy that book but again got bored very soon, looking at the pictures of models posing in bikini.

Now I wanted to do something different. Maybe have fun on the phone. Yea I think I would have loved that. So I quickly got to the phone and dialed whatever numbers came to my mind. The bell rang for over 15-20 seconds and then an old woman picked it up. In a shrilled voice, she said “Hellooo” and I got scared out of my wits. She seemed like the old woman in the movie ‘Haunted House’. I put the receiver down and got my breath back.

But still I couldn’t be stopped by an old woman. So I, again picked up the receiver and dialed my friend’s number. After many rings his Mom picked up. I said “Hastala Vista, Baby” and put the phone down. This made me laugh and smile for over a minute. I enjoyed doing it, disturbing people at night for no apparent reason. It sure was fun. I, again called up another number, one which I dint know. As soon as the girl picked up, I said “I love you”. Listening to a childish voice, she said “Love you too sweety”. Both of us laughed for quite some time. She then asked me, what I was doing at this time in the night. I told her I didn’t want to sleep. Very soon we struck a chord and started chatting. I was enjoying the conversation, explaining to her why I fought with Rahul, when suddenly I heard some noise from outside. I quickly noted down the number of that girl and told her that I would chat with her later. I thought for some time, “what could that noise could be?” Then it clicked to me, that it could be the thief on the prowl.

Now I was reminded of my friend Nikhil who claimed to be Sherlock Homes because he once caught the boy in school who stole his pencil. I thought this was my chance to prove to him that I was better. I quickly brought my night vision goggles and a hockey stick and set out on a mission… to nab the thief in my house.

I picked up the gunny bag lying on the floor and brought a rope from the toilet. Well equipped to catch the thief red handed I swiftly got to the kitchen from where I could get a clear view of the thief. As I moved into the kitchen, I stepped on Bravo, my pet dog, who was lying right near the door. He scowled but didn’t bark. I asked him to stay calm and pushed him deeper inside the kitchen.

Now I brought my attention back to the living room. I peeped out of the kitchen and what I saw made me giggle. I saw the thief watching TV sitting on the couch. After a soft laugh to myself I got the gunny bag and leaped towards the man. But somehow he turned back and to my utter shock was my very own FATHER!!!

I said “Dad, what are you watching at this time?” Saying this I looked at the TV where I saw Jenna Jameson stripping…

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Ever since I was a kid,

I had a dream,

I really wanted to have long hair,

Very Very long hair.

I found it really cool,

But sadly it was…

Not allowed in my school.

Everytime my hair

touched my ears,

My teacher used to force me to cut it…

and even said that my hair was like a grizzly bear.

I tried to explain it to her that,

I don’t see a negative point in having big hair

Any interference by school

is so not fair.

It’s ironic actually,

that certain things we do

in the name of discipline

are so very contradictory…

We iron our shirts…to look good.

And we cut our hair…to (er…according to me) not look good.

India is a democracy,

And forcing any child to…

cut his hair is a blatant violation of that very Democracy…

There’s more I have to say,

But that’d be in my next post…

Anyways, concluding the poem

I’d say

This rule is a son of a nut…

What’s the friggin’ point in having a haircut.

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After the much commented first post about my times in Manipal…Here comes the second one.
Manipal Media Students Convention (Day 2):

It began with Kiran “??????” Jonnalagadda…His lecture was what we call in common parlance a “Bouncer”…Either he was talking Hebrew or my mind had become so primitive for that period that I couldn’t recept English. If anyone can give me a brief summary then please do.

Now we had a guy called Nishant Shah,

He began with a dhamaka….

(Shah and Dhamaka are the poorest forms of rhyme we have ever seen…)

He pulled off a reallyy intelligent stunt by calling all laptop users infront…It helped… As for his speech, he said something about False Binaries which I loved when I heard it…but sadly I have forgotten what they mean…So any soul who can tell me what it is, please comment.

Yash Chawla’s presentation was very good…He had a very concept and he had even done a survey in his college…which was really commendable. Now only if he hadn’t used the 99 year old quote of “A glass half empty or half full…”. I would have loved to believe that his was the most unique presentation.

A certain Paranjoy Guha Thakurta made a brilliant speech about intervention of technology in the lives of a journalist. I agree with everything that you said sir…

One of the liked presentations of MMSC was Lawrence Liang’s…I really liked the amount of facts unveiled and the “Woah…” factor of his paper on “Why New Media is not really New…”. On the downside, I think he had stretched certain information to the extent that, even chewing gums would get embarrassed.

So that’s it for this two piece report on MMSC…

During the convention, I also didn’t get the oppurtinity to thank a few people who were really instrumental in making this “Manipal” experience a fruitful and a memorable one.

Anadi : Thanks for reminding me about MMSC’ and most of all answering all the “OMG…It’s so damn obvious” questions of mine. Thanks Man!

Ram: You had commented on a poem(Online at 4:00 am) that I had written…saying that MMSC is for people like me. You may have said the same thing on 200 other blogs but it meant a lot for me. And yeah, thanks for that wonderful intro before my presentation…

Ami: For being my tour-coordinator and yeah for complimenting my blog…Keep reading it…The humor’s developed from 4 years of reading JAM…
Sonali: Thanks for showing me around the college and yeah, for commenting on my last post…And for the LAPTOP…Couldn’t have done my presentation without it…:grin:

Ragamalika: Thanks for making that call and yeah I must add you have the second best voice in India…The best is of a certain guy whose initials are SJ…
Priyam, Anoop, Yash and the other delegates:

Thanks for being such a good company…And special mention of Anoop coz’ he financed my lunch for a day… The 500 bucks scare was really scary though dude…

Joe, Satchi, Pavi, Sonali and everyone else from the Hospitality:

Even though I didn’t have long conversations with y’all I still respect the fact that you people saved me from that journey to the pub…
Venkat:

How can I forget this guy…He was the guy who settled me into my hostel room and was there while I was leaving Ninth Block…Thanks Dude!!

I know I’ve forgotten someone…Please lemme know if that’s you…

Anyways, I see a lot of MICians reading this post coz it’s related to MMSC…My message to them would be to read up a few more stuff on my blog and comment…I am sucker for readers…And I hope MMSC helped me get atleast a few…

No more sequels of this post,

Sameer Jha

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I begin with the Train Journey (I can’t afford flight) that took me to a small station called Udupi.

Towards MMSC:

Do you remember the time when you made your first train journey on your own. Well I do.

To begin with, I started SMSing my friends that I’ve departed and I’ll miss them.

Rest of the train journey was boring.

Though, in the later part of the journey. I was informed that a guy called Shaz is going to pick me up. He did pick me up and even said that I have a nice blog.
Thanks Shaz, It made me feel good even though I am not sure whether you really meant it.

Manipal Media Student’s Convention(Day 1):

I guess, I have bored you guys enough wih my train journey so without further ado, I’ll get to the reason for this long (felt short) trip to Manipal i.e. MMSC ( though the certificate and the free food were major factors… )

First on the list, was Aditya Mhatre with a workshop on Podcasting. This one was the best of both the days. The fact that Funthusia’s gonna very soon have a podcast category says a lot of things.
Next was Annie *YAWN* Zaidi…She just read out from a paper. …And anyways, It was about Journalism in blogging which I think is a waste of time.

Then came Chandrahas “I look like Matt Damon” Choudhury. One very good point about his speech was the comfort level that he shared with the audience. He had something to say on “Blogging and Literature” which was extremely relevant to me and I listened intently for advise. I didn’t get a great one. He just commented on the trends that exist and if it’s good or bad.
After Damon was, a cool guy called Peter Griffin. He asked us all for a cause that we believed in. Anyways, I forgot the start, middle and end of his presentation so kindly enlighten me if you do.

My Presentation :

It began with a nice intro by Ram saying that “This guy’s just 16 and he has a successful blog.” Man not really successful I say but then, thanks a ton.

I had to present a paper on “Why Bloggers Quit Blogging” …

Reason 1: Excessive Expectations from Adsense…

Many blog to earn money and if they cannot they just quit blogging. So my recommendation is to not use Adsense. I was quite successful in proving this point.

I asked “How many of you have ever clicked on an AD!?”

Only one hand shot up. That was really satisfying. These were bloggers using adsense and they haven’t clicked on an Ad.

Reason 2: Use of Blogger

Now since the majority of the people were blogger users, so i had a tough time convincing these people about shifting to wordpress. Dudes…Blogger sometimes can be a sole reason for a blog being unsuccessful.

MITians supported me with this. (Some bloggers from MIT rock big time)..

Anyways, for the blogger users…I need to ask this.

If given a chance between a Nokia N91 and a Nokia 1100 model, what would you choose if they both cost the same.

It’s not personal preference dude it’s features. And blogger is like a goddamn black and white phone which doesn’t come cheaper than a high end cell (wordpress)…

All on for arguments and yeah wait for my next part,

Sameer Jha

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The place where I was being beaten was called Gaffer Dresses. Yeah. They beat people up at the back of a garment store.

“Why am I here?” I said, the movement of my lips had sent a shock of pain to my head and even the ears.

“Hmm…I think I should be the one asking questions. How much do you earn per year?”

“16 lakhs p.a. with taxes”

“You know that in a country like India, you can feed around 100 families for a month with that money.”

“So…”

“How many do you feed.”

“Ur…eh…One” I said feeling a bit guilty.

“Do you listen him brothers. He feeds just one family when he can feed many. Don’t you agree that he has to pay for what he has done…He has to…Mr. Devang, you will pay a check of Rs.Fifty One Lax in favour of Gaffer Dresses.”

“What…51 Lakhs??? I can’t afford that much…”

“Take loans…Beg, Borrow, Steal, Just pay up, else you die.”

The next thing I knew was signing a cheque of 51 lakhs.

***

The next time I reached the undisclosed part of Gaffer Dresses, my wounds were somewhat healed. At least the bedsheets on which I slept were not getting stained with blood anymore. The main man was called Masud Gaffer.

“So you brought the cheque.” He said

“Uh…Yes”

“Hmmm…Good.”

“What will you do to me now?”

“Kill you ofcourse.”

“But why?”

“Because you’ve exploited us enough…Couldn’t you pay a fraction of your earning to feed a family.”

“But we pay to the charity and that in turn feeds many .”

“I ain’t taking any of that…Charity guys are bloody motherfuckers. They earn money in our name. I am going to kill them someday too.”

Silence surrounded us for a while.

“ Where does this money go…The money I paid just now.”

“What this money…It goes to the homeless…starved families.”

“None of it goes to you?”

“No…I don’t do this for money.”

“Then why do you do it?”

“I do it for respect…rich bastards like you will never get it’s meaning.”

“You’ll get respect by killing me right.”

“Yes!”

“What if I run away from this country and you tell everyone that you’ve killed me. You can still have the respect.”

“What if you don’t run?”

“You’ve scared me enough to make me run away. I won’t be getting any sleep if I don’t run.”

“Okay…But why should I leave you…I want to kill you as much as any one of us.”

“What if I pay you five lakhs… in cash. Now…”

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